Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. It feels so distant, yet it also feels like it was just yesterday. There’s been tons of fun and exciting times. And also some sad. A lot can happen in 4 years, but here we are! 😃
We’re excited about life. Lots of goals and projects we want to work on. Trying to work on those things while settling on a new routine with our 17 month old and 2 month old newborn just makes it way more challenging, but definitely exciting!
Anyway, my marriage with Sal is wonderful. When I was getting married I had no expectations when it came to marriage itself. I guess I just didn’t know what to expect. There are so many things that come with marriage. Everyone’s experience is so different. I didn’t really want to set any expectations for mine. All I knew was that divorce for us is not going to be an option, and that under no circumstance was I going to use the word “divorce” in our home (in relation to us).
Now here we are 4 years later and I’m proud of how far we’ve come. I’ll be honest… I’m not an easy person to deal with. LOL – I’m so grateful I have a husband who I feel has all the patience in the world. I am horrible at apologies and I’m amazing at keeping a grudge, which are both awful qualities, but I’ve learned a lot.
When we were dating there were some lessons I had to learn then and I’m learning even more now! Lessons that if I didn’t change the way I handled certain situations, I would probably lose him. From dating to our engagement to our first year of marriage, I learned my very first lesson of what I needed to do to keep my marriage alive and well…
COMMUNICATE
This one seems like a no brainer, but unless you know how to properly communicate with the person you’re now married to, you’re going to find yourself very frustrated very fast. Here’s why.
One of the hardest things for me to do is express how I feel. A lot of times I just don’t know how to put them into words. Other times I feel embarrassed by them or I just don’t want to share my feelings with anyone. I’m really good at bottling everything in. When Sal and I got married, he would try talking to me about pretty much anything, and he couldn’t get a response out of me. I would close up, not look his way, and let him finish talking and that was the end of it.
Then, after being married for about 2 months or so, one day he came home and said that we needed to find a better way to communicate because he was getting so frustrated with me that he didn’t want to go home at the end of the day. I was hurt yet not bothered by what he said because I understood how he felt. I wanted to see my husband but I was too very frustrated by some things he did or constantly said. I just didn’t know how to express it.
After we had that talk, I started to open up a little more. I expressed how I felt about the way he said things, or how he went about certain situations, and what I felt he needed to change, and together we started working on those things. We slowly started to learn how to speak to each other, and today our communication is so much better! There’s a lot to work on, but it is better.
I’ve learned how to put my words together to tell him what I want, or need, or feel, and why I want, need, or feel those things. I learned to ask questions. I learned to express any expectations I have. Communication works only when both parties want to be a part of the conversation. Unless the both of you are willing to work on how you communicate, its not going to get better.
Today, our biggest issue is that we think we may have said something and the other didn’t listen. It’s come up a lot recently that we want to record our conversations so that we can show the other that we are saying certain things, but the other isn’t listening. I feel like that’s a thing for a lot of people now a days. Either they heard it but it went in one ear and out the other, or there’s also the “hearing but not listening” thing us humans do (I blame our cell phones…).
When speaking to your significant other try getting their undivided attention before you say anything. If you need some space, say it. If you need time to think, let them know. Write your feelings down if you’re embarrassed to say them out loud. If you’re one to scream and shout while speaking, bring it down a notch. Talk to each other, don’t yell at each other. If it’s too heated, step away from each other and then come back when you’ve cooled down. And don’t just walk away! Tell them you want to cool down and you’ll talk about it later. But you have to actually talk about it later. And when you have expectations, express them. Unfortunately, no one can read minds!
And then even when it’s hard to do so, tell them you love them. Remind them you’re thinking about them. Tell them you’re grateful for them and what they do (even if it’s something as little as them putting their shoes away everyday). And reinforce it. Say it repeatedly to each other. We forget how a few words of encouragement can be so important to someone. It’ll be good for them and good for you. Doing this has helped me melt off a little of my outer “hard rock” shell I like to put up.
LEARN TO APOLOGIZE
Part of communication is learning to say, “I’m sorry”. As I said before, this is one of the hardest things for me to say out loud. Mostly because it means I’m admitting I was wrong, which I’m never wrong… Lol JK 😁 It’s also hard for me to apologize because it puts me in a vulnerable place, which I obviously hate being in.
I started actually learning to apologize when we were dating. There were plenty of times that we needed to apologize to each other. When it was my turn, I had to learn to apologize quickly or else I would have lost him a long time ago. Well, actually I did. Multiple times. If you haven’t read Our Story, go read it. It’s a hoot. But I quickly learned that if I wanted him around for a long time, I better learn to say sorry!
After we got married, I started learning that even when it wasn’t my fault or I wasn’t in the wrong, sometimes you need to apologize first to start mending things. There have been occasions that while having a conversation, maybe I threw something in there I shouldn’t have said, or I didn’t mean. We’d walk away upset and mistreating each other because we’re upset at each other. To get over the situation, someone needed to apologize. Whether we were right or wrong. And that’s very hard to do.
Not only should you apologize, but forgiveness is necessary as well. Sometimes we apologize to the other person, but didn’t actually forgive the person fully. I’ve learned that if I apologize/forgive my husband, I can’t keep bringing that topic up or situation up and use it against him. It’s done, it’s forgotten, and it’s over. We both should remember it to learn from it, but it shouldn’t be thrown at each other to bring the other down or something of that nature.
BE WILLING TO LEARN & GROW
When Sal asked me to marry him he made me promise him one thing. He asked me to promise him that I would always be willing to learn and grow with him. It’s one of the greatest promises I’ve decided to keep. Sometimes I’m not very good at it. I like doing things my way. Admitting that the other person’s way is better than mine is hard for me to do. I’ve gotten better at admitting his way may be better, or he may be right about a discussion we’re having, but I still need to work on it.
One thing he does that drives me crazy is that when we’re talking about a subject he’ll Google it to see if I’m right. It makes me feel like he doesn’t trust what I’m saying, or he doesn’t believe that I’m knowledgeable in that subject. I hate feeling that way! But it honestly humbles me a little afterwards, because when he does check me and if I was wrong about what I said, I learn something new. It reminds me that I also don’t know everything. Sometimes we say things without actually knowing the facts (we assume), and then we give false info and look stupid later when you find out you were incorrect.
Being willing to learn and grow individually, is just as important as doing it together. There are going to be things about yourself that you need to be willing to change so that it allows growth in your life. Same for your spouse. And there are going to be things that you’ll need to learn to do together, like communicating.
I’m so glad I married a brilliant man. One I admire and learn so much from. He doesn’t waste his time with foolish things. He’s truly always looking to learn something new. And he wants to learn so that he can grow spiritually and mentally. And also so that he can take care of us as best as he can.
CHOOSE TO LOVE EVERYDAY
This is one of the hardest things to do. I think as time goes by and you get more comfortable with each other and with life in general, remembering to love my husband continuously day in and day out can be challenging.
I don’t mean feeling love for my husband. I feel love for him constantly. I mean choosing to show or express love in the way that he likes, not how I like it. Maybe sacrificing a time here and there on not exactly doing what I want when I want it so I can please him too.
Gary Chapman wrote a book called the 5 Love Languages. If you’ve never seen or read it, do yourself a favor and go buy it. He talks about how every individual has a way they like to be shown love, and he’s categorized them in 5 types. It’s Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, and Gifts. Most of the time we marry someone who has a totally different love language than us.
My love language is Gifts. I love receiving and giving to others. Sal’s is Physical Touch and Quality Time. He also added his own. He says if you love him you’ll get him bacon. lol.
I am not a physical person whatsoever. I like my space, but sometimes I need to sacrifice my needs to fulfill my husband’s wants. He likes to cuddle and randomly kiss me and sit very close to me on the couch, which are all wonderful things and I appreciate them. But it’s not my love language, so although it’s nice, I’m always looking for more because what I really want is a simple gift (which doesn’t necessarily have to be bought). And I can’t keep giving Sal gifts either because it’s not his language.
Here’s another example. Sal loves to fish! He love love loves it. If he could he’d do it every weekend. I can appreciate fishing, buts it’s definitely not my favorite thing to do. On our honeymoon we pretty much did things that I wanted to do. And although I was not looking forward to going fishing whatsoever, I shut up and got ready, went fishing with him and had fun. We both caught a fish and got to take some back to the hotel to have for dinner.
So to love your spouse everyday is to sometimes sacrifice the things you want and need to do the things your spouse might want or need in the moment. You need to serve one another and make sure you’re providing for each other’s needs. Always making sure your spouses “Love Tank” (as Mr. Chapman calls it) is full.
Those have been the 4 lessons I’ve learned. I’m so grateful for these past 4 years. They have been all sorts of fun and exciting and emotional. I’m blessed to have married a man who loves me the way Sal does. We’ve only scratched the surface as to what we’ll experience in our life as a couple. Can’t wait for what the next year will bring.
Happy 4 Year Anniversary, Love. I love you ❤️
